Naked Ambition
Originally written for sydneyis.com.au, Feb ‘01, never published
A whole summer season passing without seeing a single streaker? Now that’s just not cricket.
If horse racing is the sport of kings, then it stands to reason that streaking should be the sport of bums. Every cricket season, crowds all over this great country of ours flock to their respective ovals with only two requests – for our blokes to never lose a match, and for some crazy, misguided individual to make a complete fool of themselves by running stark bollock naked across the grass. But as much as we all generally enjoy laughing at such offenders, one only needs to hear the jeers of a packed out SCG when a gallant young streaker is taken down by the boys in blue to know which side of the fence the masses are really on.
You may remember one such clown dashing dackless through the far-away streets of Jerusalem. With a video camera in one hand and his frightened and shriveled member in the other, John Saffran embarked on the first international streak to be broadcast on Australian national television, doing more for our global identity than a thousand Paul Hogans whacking a thousand shrimps on a thousand barbies. Yet despite laughing our heads off at the funny little white boy disgracing his parents on a global scale, few could rightly say that they weren’t at all jealous of Saffran’s bold effort, but only a handful would ever consider following in his bare-footsteps.
But even though Saffran’s attempt to bring streaking to an international audience has not enjoyed the success many (in this particular office) had hoped, it did raise a point few members of the streaking community had really thought of – why restrict streaking to cricket? And furthermore, why should we deprive ourselves of enjoying a good streak all year round, when we are blessed with a country whose average annual climate rarely sinks below singlet weather?
To this we say nudists of Australia unite and despair no longer. The team at sydneyis has scoured locations in the greater Sydney area, and come up with a solution for anyone who’s thinking of taking up the only sport where you don’t need to spend a fortune on the latest hi-tech equipment. So sit back, relax, remove essential items of clothing if you have to, but most importantly enjoy our guide to running naked though this great suntanned city we call, Sydney.
The location: Sydney Cricket Ground
The pros: The SCG is the Wimbledon of the streaking circuit and therefore requires years of mental, physical and logistical preparation. For an SCG streak the day begins early going through the SCG streaking checklist . The three most important factors are the tickets, enough alcohol and barbiturates to disfigure a large mammal, and three-four male/female friends to act as accomplices.
The moment your naked feet pad their way onto the evergreen grass, all the preparation will become worthwhile as the crowd erupts in cheer as they lock their eyes onto your naked form. You’ll feel like SR Waugh hitting a double ton. GM McGrath taking eight for not many. However, it may be more beneficial to Brett Kenny at this time ‘cause here come de cops.
The cons: While there is a high degree of exposure at the SCG, the consequences can be dire and there are a few things to consider beyond the $5000 fine. A spinning wicket on the third day of a test match is hard and riddled with cracks that may swallow more than the occasional pair of Julius Marlows, so make sure you’re not on the square when you’re finally tackled. It’s probably not a bad idea to willingly surrender rather than risking the punishment a beefy security guard will hand your old fella.
The incarceration factor: Inevitable. Be sure to get written statements from your accomplices promising to pay a percentage of the hefty fine.
The disruptance factor: Negligible. A few minutes from a day’s play translates to a few more for Bill Lawry to talk about pigeons.
The location: Pitt St. Mall
The pros: During business hours there are so many rabid shoppers cris-crossing between HMV Megastore to Dotti, to Sportsgirl then back to HMV, your bare bones shuffling across the mall’s pseudo marble concourse probably won’t even cop a sideways glance – even if you are a voluptuous vixen. Let’s face it, if a ten ton truck has problems drawing the attention of a crowd of shop-a-holics, the chance of getting spotted doing the 100m birthday suit sprint are just as remote. Remember that people have lain dead in the middle of busy streets without anyone making a general enquiry, so in this case… it’s same rules apply.
The cons: Entering nude into the mall is no problem – simply nick into General Pants co. and pretend to try on a pair of three-quarter length pants and a Mossimo singlet, then make like Cathy Freeman and bolt out of the stalls. But disappearing far into the madding crowd is all together a different story. As all masters of espionage will tell you – always plan an exit strategy before entering into the unknown – and streaking is no different. We suggest the use of a get-away car parked inconspicuously at the corner of King and Pitt (if you’re running from the southern end), and some heavily tinted windows.
The incarceration factor: Due to the high concentration of store detectives wagging their jobs and smoking like chimneys on the mall’s adjacent benches, the chances of being a hapless victim of search and destroy are unfortunately quite high. Pretending to be an annoying street performance artist will only serve to lengthen any impending jail sentence.
The disruptance factor: Pitt St. Mall doesn’t quite enjoy the same glorious streaking history the SCG does, and therefore your chances of genuine public outrage if you are spotted are well above average.
The location: Fort Denison
The pros: There’s nothing quite like the sea breeze flowing along the curves of exposed flesh, and this is what draws the streaker to the Alcatraz of streaking. A Fort Denison streak is the closest you may get to Aestheticism: streaking for streak’s sake. Not for the glamour, not for the money, the fame or the glory. Just for the pure and innocent joy of a soft breeze between your legs.
The cons: The first negative for a Fort Denison streak is that there’s really nowhere to streak. A courtyard the size of a netball court doesn’t give you much room to move, so you can forget any points for creative acrobatic work here. Plus, swimming starkers through shark infested waters isn’t quite the road to glory, and getting barnacles on your bum is far from a well earned trophy.
The incarceration factor: High. The British re-purposed this Aboriginal fishing spot into a prison in the 1880’s and used it to house troublesome prisoners… so at least you won’t have far to go.
The disruptance factor: None. Seagulls don’t give a shit, and the feasting habits of patrons to Cafe Stone are far from the area of your dirty nether regions.
The location: The MCA
The pros: Although there aren’t too many little annexes and darkened corners at the MCA to hide in when the heat is on, but if you feel the law on your tail, just head straight for a blank wall and stand completely still. You are now a piece of fine art and no one will even notice. You might even get a mention in the Good Weekend if you’re lucky. But perhaps the best thing about doing the sans shorts sprint through the Mecca of all things postmodern is if you do get caught, the chances of someone bidding six figures sums for you or at least attaining a government grant to further develop your art are more certain than a pair of pensioners hating an exhibition but visiting the gift shop on the way out.
The cons: Generally the Museum of Contemporary Art is a pretty good location for the dedicated career streaker – lots of exposure to the people that count, and not too many cons we can think of. But for the casual streaker, if you do wind up with a weekly job out of a moment’s silliness, you might just find your dear old grandparents buying an art postcard of you in that said gift shop. Try explaining that one.
The incarceration factor: Fifty-fifty. Security is pretty tough at the MCA, and it’s fairly safe to assume the ‘art police’ don’t see too much action during their 9 to 5’s. So if you do get caught, prepare for a tackle of tsunami-like proportions.
Disruptance factor: Satisfactorily high. Artists and art lovers generally prefer their art to reside on walls, in museums, and generally stay in the exact spot where they left them. Therefore streaking through the MCA will no doubt annoy creative genius, patron, and curator alike.
The location: Lucas Heights Nuclear Reactor
The pros: The propensity to streak lies deep in the complex patterns of a would-be streakers genetic makeup. Unfortunately the prevalence of streaking during the free’n’easy sixties and seventies led to the rapid spread of STD’s among the tight-knit streaking community, STD’s that have now been passed on to the next generation. Fortunately, exposure to high levels of diminished uranium and plutonium have been associated with the marked decrease in the effects of all known STD’s, making the Lucas Heights reactor the Everest of streaking. Entry is easily gained by joining the daily tours, however patience is a virtue when it comes to gaining access to the core reactor.
The cons: There are lots of men and women in very white lab-coats who work in the reactor and this may lead to an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy as they busily scribble their scientific observations regarding your little package. Oh, and there’s that thing about growing a second member or a third nipple that glows in the dark. Explain that one on a first date!
The incarceration factor: While security is tight at the reactor a bit of planning may save you. Be sure to bring or swipe a lab-coat and clipboard and just act as if you’re one of the scientists. The security are sure to believe you’ve just been absent minded again and forgot to put on pants this morning.
The disruptance factor: Unknown. The reactor is a bit like Mr. Wonka’s factory… nobody really knows what goes on there.
The location: Moonlight Cinema
The pros: Only a short distance from Sydney’s streaking HQ, the S.C.G, Centennial Park’s cinema under the stars is a great venue for both experienced streakers and young social misfits at heart. Under cover of night you can swoop down like a bare bummed Batman into the amphitheater, tear past the ten foot high screen, and watch the excited reactions of your captive audience as you are illuminated by the Moonlight’s film projector. Heck, you can even get creative if the mood strikes and act out your favourite scene to the approval or disapproval of the crowd, before vanishing swiftly into the night. And for the more self-conscious streakers among you, a quick detour behind the screen makes for a great silhouetted ‘punch and nudie’ show. As Juan man once nearly said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we hereby declare the Moonlight Cinema to be the best streaking venue… ever!”
The cons: The mere thought of falling flat on your naughty bits makes even the most dedicated streaker tremble at the knees, but slipping on a plate brimming with camembert and Jatz crackers, before skidding buck naked into a family of five may be the only real deterrent for descending kitless on the Moonlight. Apart from public humiliation, being eaten alive by a savage Centennial Park bunyip, or being bundled into the back of a Hilux by a crazed group of urban hippies, the Moonlight is a streaker’s paradise.
The incarceration factor: Negligible. It’s not Yellowstone National Park where your accomplice will continually warn you “I don’t think the ranger’s going to like this Yogi”. Get out there, get back to nature, and get your gear off.
The disruptance factor: Low. The only drawback to streaking the Moonlight is poor visibility, and the good chance that your streak will go to waste on a crowd already fast asleep. For best results – streak during the previews. Not even Dad will be snoozing then.
Chris Deal & Ben Webster